Resentment. We all feel it, we all have it, but do we really know where it comes from and how to alleviate it?
I think that resentment is a common emotion, especially in a romantic relationship. And even more pronounced in a marriage with kids, partners often find themselves at odds with each other and more often than not, the underlying emotion fueling the disagreements is resentment. Most of us feel that resentment is just a part of anger- we lump it together, assuming we resent our partner for not doing enough, not understanding us, not pulling their weight, not giving us what we need, and if they could just… then we would not feel resentment towards them, we could forgive them, be generous, open.
But the truth is, resentment and anger are very different and your ability to properly label the underlying emotion you are experiencing will make all the difference.
Anger, according to Marc Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, is about a perceived injustice or unfair treatment:
I do all of the work, they don’t contribute, they don’t do enough around the house, they don’t offer to help.
This is a common emotion to recognize and try to resolve, however, if you find yourself asking for more help and getting it, yet you still feel unhappy and unsatisfied- that is a good indicator that your underlying discomfort is from resentment rather than injustice. Otherwise making the household duties fairer would alleviate your frustration.
Resentment is not part of the anger family of emotions according to Brackett, it is part of the envy family of emotions. Envy is about wanting what someone else has, not to be confused with jealousy which is about fear of losing something important to you. It is that feeling of needing something in the moment that you perceive the other to have (in your partner’s case maybe that is some freedom, autonomy, control over their life) and resenting them because they have it and you do not.
Does This Sound Familiar?
Are you faced with frustration in your relationships that won’t seem to resolve despite your best efforts?
Do you find yourself feeling angry and resentful and complaining to your partner that you need more help and that they don’t do enough around the house?
Do you find that once they start to pitch in you start to criticize their attempts at help, or you find yourself always judging the way they chose to spend their time, the way the attempt to contribute, the way they try to make things more fair?
Chances are you are feeling some resentment for something that they have that you want, not a lack of help or fairness in your relationship.
Identifying that underlying need is the key to releasing resentment, and actually getting your needs met.
But what is that envy really about? What is the underlying need?
What is Resentment Anyway?
Brene Brown in Atlas of the Heart, describes resentment as:
“an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they are going to react.”
In many cases as women, the burden of raising and emotionally caring for the children falls on us, which means the men in our lives have a sense of freedom and an ability to feel less burdened by the needs of our children (which can be all consuming at times) than we do. Women have also been socialized to feel responsible for others’ emotions and wellbeing and we thus have more guilt and shame around how our children and spouses are feeling, how they are acting, and an idea that we cannot or should not want or need alone time. That is a lot of emotional labor that we, as women, are pulling in the relationship, and that burden can be seen in our spouses perceived autonomy and freedom. And we ENVY that.
Yes, it is unfair, but them helping around the house will not change that we want their freedom. Therefore, recognizing that desire for freedom, or autonomy (or even confidence, privilege, entitlement) whatever the thing is that you covet in your spouse or another person, is what you actually want, and working on how to get that for yourself, that is what will alleviate the resentment.
In my own relationship with my husband this looks like me wanting him to do more and help more, be more proactive and appreciate me more, but when he does help or takes on more or even ‘gives me what I want’ it feels crappy and I feel guilt and shame and I start to criticize and judge all that he is doing because that wasn’t the actual need I had.
This is where I got really stuck in an anger-blame-shame cycle with my husband. I couldn’t understand why I was so critical of him when I wanted his help. I knew the judgment and criticism was not helping my case, but no matter how much he helped out or stepped up, I was still feeling negative towards him which resulted in more criticism and judgment, which lead him to become angry and stop helping, which lead to more anger…you get the picture.
As Brene Brown said:
Your lack of work is not making me resentful, my lack of rest is making me resentful.
Wow. I thought it was anger at his lack of help, but really it was envy.
Envy about his ability to detach, his ability to exist without having to justify every minute, every decision…trust, acceptance, freedom, autonomy, that is what I needed. His ability to not give a f*ck when the kids are upset, his ability to go in the other room and not feel guilty, heck his ability to go in the other room without being followed, that is what I envy, not being mad that he leaves the room so often. But you bet I have spent many an argument trying to get him to stay in the room more thinking that would help. And did it? No. Because I was looking to him to fix, do, change, not looking to me and my need.
The Answer?
Learn to recognize the difference in yourself.
Anger is about a perceived injustice. You did something wrong to me, you must fix it, change, do and then I will feel better, soothed, placated.
Resentment is about envy, about what they have is what I need/crave/desire. I want it and I resent that they have it and I don’t. It is about my needs and wants and unmet desires and about me addressing and fixing it, not them.
Ask yourself often:
How do I feel? What do I need?
Remember, the key to letting go of resentment is understanding it is about an underlying need, not something someone is or is not doing. If you are feeling stuck in the same old anger cycle with your spouse (or anyone in your life), consider looking at your anger from the lens of envy and see if there is more you can do to address your needs, instead of waiting on someone else to change.
